A husband walks into Victoria ‘s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!’ So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, “What’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit a suicide,” she says.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough”.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose girl’. The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’ ‘Yes, Father, it is.”And who was the girl you were with?’ ‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
A Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager. ‘Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
Murphy applied for a position at the Guinness Brewery in Dublin . A Polish man applied for the same job. Both applicants claimed similar qualifications, so they were asked to take a test by the manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise shop and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…’
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, Checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do, to live without fear and forget regret.
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. Ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork’s hospital.The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ? ‘Lets be avin’ da fingers and I’ll see what oi can do’.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.