Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
If you are not a grandparent you will still love this. If you are it shows how precious the children are and what we mean to them. Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year olds
Car Air-conditioning – No wonder more folks are dying from cancer than ever before. We wonder where this stuff comes from but here is an example that explains a lot of the cancer causing incidents.
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Knob,” where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.
‘Hello, is this the police?’ ‘Yes it is. How can we help you?’ ‘I’m calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He’s hiding cocaine inside his firewood!’ ‘Thank you very much for the call.’ The next day, police officers descend on Wazza’s house in great numbers.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’ The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. ‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbor’s dog while they went on their holidays. The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was ‘in heat’ and the neighbor’s dog was a male.
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is: A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise.The waitress brings the meal, served in a lidded pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 note.
A couple was going out for the evening. They’d gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives. However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
First-year students at the Edinburgh Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, ‘In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
‘I’m here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.’ The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens, he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
An atheist was walking through the woods. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on.
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. ‘Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients’
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe’ with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.