An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard..
They searched for days and couldn’t find her
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea. ‘
He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
The farmer due to his older age writes to his son in prison –
“I can’t grow potatoes this year. I’m too old to be digging up the field.”
Soon he gets a letter back from his son. –
“You can’t dig in the field, that’s where I buried the bodies!”
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell
A woman who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills of Kentucky.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road?
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.’
‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.
They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football match.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
‘How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks one of the men.
A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles,
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later
The Pope was having a shower. Although he’s very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right)
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. ‘You know what?’ says the 7 year old, ‘I think it’s about time we started swearing.’ The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, ‘When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?’
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. The ticket agent asked, “sir, what’s that on your shoulder?” The old farmer said, “that’s my pet rooster, chuck. Wherever i go, chuck goes.” “i’m sorry sir,” said the ticket agent. “we can’t allow animals in the theater.”
A sheep farmer needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn’t speak much English, but was a very good worker.
Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the tavern
Car Air-conditioning – No wonder more folks are dying from cancer than ever before. We wonder where this stuff comes from but here is an example that explains a lot of the cancer causing incidents.