Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
If you are not a grandparent you will still love this. If you are it shows how precious the children are and what we mean to them. Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year olds
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Knob,” where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.
‘Hello, is this the police?’ ‘Yes it is. How can we help you?’ ‘I’m calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He’s hiding cocaine inside his firewood!’ ‘Thank you very much for the call.’ The next day, police officers descend on Wazza’s house in great numbers.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’ The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. ‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbor’s dog while they went on their holidays. The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was ‘in heat’ and the neighbor’s dog was a male.
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is: A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise.The waitress brings the meal, served in a lidded pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe’ with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and Hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. We didn’t know what to call her so we named her ‘Pussy.’
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings
48 year old man given senior citizen discount at McDonalds which lead to funny events
A warning for those of you who may be regular Bunnings customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
A plane was on its way to Melbourne when a blond in Economy Class, moved to the First Class section of the plane