Posts Tagged funny joke

When I Say I’m Broke I’m Broke

Sep 8

Posted by veehawk in Funny Jokes | No Comments

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man.

‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners…
”Go away!” said the old lady.

”I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open…

”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. ”Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam”

“I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said,

“well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”

Chicken surprise

Sep 1

Posted by veehawk in Email Fun Stories | No Comments

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise.

The waitress brings the meal, served in a lidded pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises

Slightly And she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the Lid slams back down.

‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises,

And he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waitress over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

‘Please sir,’ says the waitress,, ‘what you order?’

The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’

‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waitress , ‘I bring you Peeking Duck’

The Candy With The Little Hole

Aug 31

Posted by veehawk in Email Fun Stories | No Comments

The teacher gave the class a bowl full of lifesavers and

Asked the children to identify the flavors by their color:

and they did

Red…………………Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green……………….Lime
Orange ……………Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your
Mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
‘Oh my God! They’re arse-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room.

New Cowboy Boots

Aug 26

Posted by veehawk in Funny Jokes | No Comments

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret looked him over. “Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yelled,

“AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”
“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.. Shoulda bought a hat.”

Psychiatrist Talk To Mothers

Aug 17

Posted by veehawk in Funny Jokes | No Comments

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,’ he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating.
You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.’
He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: ‘Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.’

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,

Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home!

Popularity: 8%

Tags: funny, funny joke, joke, jokes

Brilliant Girls Night Out

Aug 13

Posted by veehawk in Email Fun Stories | No Comments

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 note.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 note.
She called the guy back , licks the $20 note, and sticks it to his other bum cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 note.
I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his bum cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me.

Now everyone’s attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his bum, grabbed the eighty DOLLARS, and left!

Who Put The Dog Out

Aug 6

Posted by veehawk in Email Fun Stories | No Comments

A couple was going out for the evening.

They’d gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

“Sorry I took so long” he says.

“Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!

She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!”

Husband & Wife Argue Over Coffee

Aug 5

Posted by veehawk in Funny Jokes | No Comments

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, ‘You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.’

The husband said, ‘ You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says…….. ..’HEBREWS’

Popularity: 10%

Tags: coffee, funny, funny joke, joke, jokes

Scottish Love

Jul 26

Posted by veehawk in Email Fun Stories | No Comments

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’… perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.”

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.

“Well, noo,” he said, “my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.”

“Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”

The Wife’s Buttocks

Jul 20

Posted by veehawk in Funny Jokes | No Comments

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the Husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body as he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?’
‘My darling,’ she replied,

‘I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’

Popularity: 9%

Tags: funny, funny joke, joke, jokes

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Posts Tagged funny joke

When I Say I’m Broke I’m Broke

Chicken surprise

The Candy With The Little Hole

New Cowboy Boots

Psychiatrist Talk To Mothers

Brilliant Girls Night Out

Who Put The Dog Out

Husband & Wife Argue Over Coffee

Scottish Love

The Wife’s Buttocks

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